How to Deal with Other People in All Situations

Did I ever tell you this?

I think the world is so much easier to deal with if you just pretend that everyone else is an alien. I mean, when you go to a restaurant, instead of deluding yourself that you have anything in common with the other patrons, just imagine that you're basically at the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars.

The regular nightly crowd at the neighborhood Chili's.

It works! I often get frustrated with other patrons. Like, I stare at them and wonder who taught them that it was cool to go out in public in a ratty old Corona tank-top, the kind that show off the rib-cage. You know you love them. Right. Completely. So sexy to see that arm-pit hair. 

Or my favorite is when conversation is impossible due to the nearby table of drunken women talking at the top of their lungs and laughing obscenely at EVERYthing.

But when I pretend the loud strangers next to me are from the planet Skaro, suddenly they're no longer a nuisance. I just laugh and all is well.

 Skaro: Home of the Daleks AND the offensively loud aliens at the neighboring table.

This method not only works for eating at restaurants (where I first learned this Jedi-method), but almost anywhere in public. It's particularly fitting at Wal-Mart, the only place I'll currently buy groceries because of the astronomical savings. What I DON'T love about Wal-Mart is the creeping sense that I'm the only one there from planet Earth.

When I apply my everyone-is-an-alien coping mechanism, I really AM the only one from earth. And suddenly, it all makes sense. This is actually the ONLY time the crowds at Wal-Mart make sense, in fact. They're all aliens. So it's totally normal for people to swipe their carts at you and make snide remarks when you park your cart in front of the apples....because, you're getting apples....and of course they're annoyed. They're Klingons. They get pissed about EVERYTHING.

"No, I will not battle you for twenty Gala apples, there's more over there. It's cool. There's more apples. Put away that bat'leth, please," I find myself saying quite often, and not just about apples, mind you.

I only wish that I'd learned this life-saving trick back when I was going to indie-band shows and other very crowded venues. I would have been so much cheerier, especially when I finally got a view of the stage and some tall dude suddenly positioned himself in front of me. Rather than cursing him out beneath my breath, I would have just laughed and said, "This always happens when Wookiees come to shows," and found another spot.

 And then Han said to me, "You wanna get out of here?" And I said, "Yeah." And he punched the Wookiee in the face and we left. We ended up at a nice little coffee shop where there weren't any Wookiees blocking my view. All in all, it turned out to be a good night because I'd met this gorgeous smuggler. Well, I didn't know he was a smuggler at the time. All I knew was that he looked good in knee-high boots and in those pants with a stripe on the side. And he had this smirk. You know the kind. The kind you want to kiss. All this happened because a Wookiee was blocking my view at the Minus the Bear show. Life is crazy like that. And perfect. Han and I are still together, if you want to know.*

This is gold, this method. Use it. Use it well. And remember, all of us really are from completely different universes.


*"How My Life Was Turned Upside Down by a Wookiee" by Nicole Grotepas

Secret of Happiness

I've figured out the secret to happiness.

It's quite simple, really. The secret is to realize that life is rather miserable. So expect misery, but be happy through it all. Right? It's not that hard. All you do is understand that life isn't supposed to be a visit to Wonka's factory and you'll get along swimmingly.

I was thinking about it today. I have about a hundred bruises on my thighs from this new bed-frame I got on Saturday. The bed-frame looks great. I swear it improves the entire bed, which was really starting to give me back problems. I feel like an adult, having a bed-frame and real bedroom furniture instead of whatever college leftovers Stoker and I could throw together. That's nice. There's nothing like feeling like an adult (even if all any of us ever does is fake it).

Anyway, the footboard has some wicked corners and being a dolt, I've run into them about a million and two times. I'm always in a hurry. I'm always charging ahead and ramming my legs against things accidentally.

So I was noticing how abused my legs look. The bruises are bad and hurt, as bruises are wont to do. But still, this song I was listening to put me in a good mood. I was singing along, getting into the song, and it hit me: life is like that combo--seeing the bruises and pain but being in a good mood because of a song. Or whatever you have that can add a positive note to the sorrow.

Priceless. I'm giving you kernels of wisdom here. Go with them and let them set you free, my child.

I know it seems like I have all the answers. But actually, I have a degree in fakery. I forget all the lessons I've learned almost always. If I've been hurt often enough, I can learn. Like, for example, the lessons of the inexplicable cabinet in our kitchen.

We bought a fixer-upper that was built in 1940. I think the kitchen cabinets might be the original cabinets. I assume refrigerators must have consistently been five in a half feet at some point and that's why this floating cabinet just hangs there with nothing under it, waiting to crack you open as you clock your head against its vicious corner on your way into the dining room. It's right next to the doorway. I think I turned my head into something like a squishy peach five or six times before it became habitual to automatically compensate for the stupid thing (and now I have brain damage. So sad. But it was worth it! To learn such a valuable lesson....).

What I mean to illustrate is how difficult it is for humans to learn. Or at least me, the slowest learner, the latest bloomer ever to feign intelligence.

But it took five or six good concussions before I learned. So in the end I think I came out on top. Or perhaps that's the brain damage talking.

The point is, misery should have a soundtrack. Find yours. I've got mine and it puts a great spin on everything. It's not that bad! Things are fine! Listen to this Cee Lo Green song, this Jamie Lidell tune or my favorite right now, Little Dragon.  

Barbara and Barry: Pure Bliss

Is it really such a crime to love Babs? And in particular, her duets with Barry Gibb? And to be more to the point, the song "Guilty"?

I feel like I've written about this a million times already, but it turns out, I've only actually written about Babs once, in this post, and it was just to mention how great "Evergreen" is. Because it is. And "Guilty" is amazing. "Out on the street anybody you meet got a heartache of their own . . . " That's true. They do. Thanks, Babs, for pointing that out.

And then thank you, even more, for the entire song and how you make any little duet seem epic and romantic and perfect and you do it without auto-tune or any digital engineering, just your emotion and your crystal clear tones.

"Pulses racin', darlin', how grand we are, little by little we meet in the middle . . . make it a crime to be out in the cold . . . " Barry. My word, Barry, you make such an amazing, profound point. And you know, when you sing with Babs, with your brothers in the background, you slay even the casual listener. You make my life feel like the romantic comedy it was always meant to be. You make me think I could do anything, move a mountain, walk on water, fly away in a hot air balloon with my lover, glasses of sparkling champagne bubbling away, fluted stems held so delicately between our fingers, and stars in our eyes, nuzzling noses like two shy deer.

And then there's the part in the song, the chorus where Babs and Barry sing together, and Babs does that signature move where she, kind of off the cuff, goes all lazy in keeping time with Barry's singing, "And we got nothing to be guilty of, our love will climb any mountain, near or far, we are, and we never let it end, we are devotion . . . ."

And they are. I mean, have you heard the song? That sort of singing and dueting (is that a word?) is PURE devotion. And it makes me feel devoted. It makes me fall in love with everything. This computer (which I already loved, but now I love it more). This table. This coffee shop. The people in the room with me. All of them. I now love them simply because "Guilty" is making me feel it, feel the love.

It's a love potion. It's BETTER than a love potion. It's the key to world peace. Babs and Barry. The perfect union of man and woman in song. The only other magical combination I can think of right now is Babs and Neil. But for now, I'm feeling it with "Guilty."

"You gotta be mine, we take it away, it's gotta be night and day, just a matter of time." Just a matter of time before Babs takes over the world with her voice. I can't believe she hasn't yet. Pure unadulterated, un-auto-tuned, gorgeousness in a voice.