Email Death Threats: A Fantastic New Way to Make Money From Home

So my friend received a most alarming email recently. A threat on his life, from hired man Razak Akin, if you can believe it. My friend will be alright, if he'll just give Razak some money. Razak decided he'd give my friend a chance to not be killed if only he'll deliver some money to Razak. Razak says . . . well, I'll just let him explain it to you. Here's his email, unchanged, in all it's aggressive, death-threaty beauty:

Attention:

I felt very sorry for you, that your life is going to 

end this way if you fail to comply, no matter how much security you

can acquire, everything will depend on you to choose you own path, i

was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 5 days. Someone

wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money

on this, the person came telling us that he wants you dead and he

Provided us your names, photograph, and other necessary information

we needed about you. If you are in doubt of this, then I will have no

option that to carry out my duty immediately.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried

out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I

ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because

I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to

contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all

means, probably I believe you have done something very terrible to

him/her. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and

even the places you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now

do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you

are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I

might just spear your life, $20,000.00 USD is all you need to spend.

You will first of all pay $15,500.00 USD then I will send the tape of

the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you,

you will pay the remaining $3,500 USD. If you are not ready, then I

will have no choice but to carry on the assignment, after all I have

already being paid before now.

Warning To You  Do not think of contacting the COP or

even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family

since you are aware that Somebody wants you dead, and the person knows

all members of your family as Well as employees of CRIME FIGHTERS.

And For your own good I will advise you not to go out alone once it is

9pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my

discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to

take any legal action.

Good luck as I await your urgent respond. Do response to me on this email…

If also you think you can ignore this mail and feel all is well then let’s see.

You’ve less than 24 hours to reply this mail.

REGARDS:

RAZAK AKIN (HIRED MAN)

Can you believe that? Pretty awesome. My friend had no idea he was important enough to acquire a hit from a professional hitman service.

The best is that Razak doesn't even know how to add. First he says he wants just $20,000 (is your life not worth a measly $20,000 USD? Surely you can spear that much!), then he only gives instructions regarding the first $15,500 USD, followed by $3,500 USD. Maybe he changed his mind about that last $1,000 USD, in which case, yay! My friend only needs to come up with $19,000 USD to have his life speared.

What will he do with that remaining thousand*? He might as well do something FUN with it. Perhaps a trip to Cancun? Wait, no, Mexico is swarming with drug cartels and murderers at the moment. They've repopulated like lemmings down there, what with the rampant murders, hostages, and human/drug trafficking. First it was like, Mexico is a great place to vacation. Yay! People are sweet. The food is good. The beaches are fun. And then bam! Drug cartels and potential murderers moving across the countryside and through the cities in droves.

Where were they all this time? I'll tell you. They were underground. Mating like lemmings or rabbits. Suddenly, conditions underground became too crowded and bang! They came above ground and began the killing and drug trafficking (which, incidentally, is also what lemmings do. It has to do with natural population control).

In short, my friend would have to have a death wish to use that thousand bucks to go to Mexico. Perhaps he'll get a new Mac? Or an Ipad? Who knows. The possibilities are limitless. Plus he has a new lease on life, after all, this was a close brush with death, was it not?

Razak, if you're out there, somewhere, reading this, well, I know my friend would want me to tell you thank you. Thank you for spearing his life and listening to your conscience. It's good to know that hitmen have a little Jiminy Cricket crying out above the bloodthirsty roar of the demons camping on their shoulders.

Jiminy Cricket! 

*Of course we already drummed up the money to save him. Duh! Wouldn't you? Everyone knows all Americans have hundreds of thousands of dollars at their disposal. It's petty cash! Some of us store it in banks, while the rest of us wiser individuals keep it in our mattresses. 

___________________________________

You might also love this cynical post from my years as a slightly more bitter person:

A Cynical Post About Live 8, Helping Africa, and ID Fraud 

Etiquette at Work: the Workplace According to Me

As I near the end of my second year in the professinal world, I feel like I've been working in an office for a thousand years. I'm beginning to consider myself an old hat at this. In honor of my upcoming anniversary, I've collected some of my wit and wisdom, as well as the secrets of my success to share with the adoring public. Here you go:

1. If you happen to see a co-worker leaving or entering a bathroom with reading material, resist commenting. Sometimes you can let the context guide you. If, for example, your co-worker tries to hide their reading material in their shirt or under their arm, they're probably not ready to admit they were multi-tasking. In fact, it's best if you pretend this never happened. The question is: who doesn't read in the bathroom? The answer to this questions is: how much would it cost to attach magazine holders to the stall doors?

2. Tank tops at work? If you have to ask this question, you shouldn't be in a professional environment. Quit your job and sign on at Hooters or Christie's Cabaret or at one of Nashville's many "premier gentleman's clubs" where partial and full-blown nudity are encouraged. No one really gets to dress the way they'd prefer to at work. If we could do it, most of us would be here in our pajamas. Ideally, a professional environment should be a place where people can communicate and think clearly. It's difficult to hold a conversation when a woman's breasts are in danger of spilling out onto the conference room table. Everyone feels uncomfortable, not just men. So, do everyone a favor and save the tank top for the pool, beach, or Saturday yard work.

3. Caught your co-worker "scratching" their nose? This will happen. A similar phenomenon occurs when someone "scratches" their nose in the car while driving alone. The sensation of being alone and invisible is simply too real for some people. When this happens your best bet is to pretend it never happened. Just launch into your question or conversation as though you saw nothing. If your co-worker apologizes or brings up what happened, insist that you didn't see anything. Most likely, however, the nose "scratcher" will be wondering whether or not you saw anything. They'll attempt to pretend nothing happened and for the sake of everyone, just go along with it. And then, later, you can add that person to your list of people to never touch. And also, never touch their stapler or anything they've ever touched. And wash your hands a lot.

4. Occasionally, in a meeting or in casual conversation between two people in the workplace, someone will say something that could have multiple interpretations. Let's face it, just about anything could be misconstrued to have a sexual meaning. What really matters is how it's said. In any case, when a co-worker says something that you find to have a hilarious double meaning, please, remember we're at work. This is especially true when in a meeting. Not everyone is on your enlightened level of maturity, and besides, you don't know who else is listening. If you're 100 percent certain no one is listening, and you know you're co-worker will appreciate your singular take on the moment, by all means, cut loose. Just remember, the walls have ears.

Has Anyone Seen My Aereogramme Album?

I lost it. How? I don't know. I probably listened to it a billion times and put it in a case with another cd. Then again, I have a sneaking suspicion that Stoker took it to the studio, listened to it in the control room while he did a set up, and then left it there*. Or perhaps someone took it. One of the session players, maybe.

But if they took it, that's OK. It's one of the best albums to have come out in months (probably years) and the more exposure I can get for Craig B (we're old buddies) the better.

OK, so that's not entirely true, that bit about us being old buddies. It's less true than that. It's hardly true. Once at a show in Salt Lake, I hung out with them for five minutes during the "intermission" and I told a horrible story (my forte). After I finished it Craig told me it wasn't a very good anecdote.

He actually said anecdote, a very unpopular word. His use of the word anecdote impressed me, though I'm not sure why -- he clearly has an excellent grasp of the language, as evidenced by the fact that he WRITES SONGS**. And besides, he's from the United Kingdom, and as we all know, people from the other side of the pond have always been able to wield the language more elegantly.

Or maybe it's just the accent.

I'm able to say I've quite nearly been with Aereogramme from the very beginning (yes, thanks to you, Bryan. No really, thanks). So when they finally become immensely popular I'll be able to claim that "I knew them when they had only put out one album and I've been telling you people for years that they rule." And I'll secretly fume that they're no longer "my band." But they deserve to be great and widely listened to and adored, and so I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

So I'm willing to have my Aereogramme albums stolen by new worshippers, but only if it leads to more album sales and more tour dates. Otherwise, if you've found yourself in "accidental" possession of my Aereogramme My Heart Has a Wish that You Would Not Go album, please give it back. If you haven't heard this album, I highly recommend it. Pay special attention to the songs "Living Backwards," "Conscious Life," "Trenches," and "You're Always Welcome." I'm in love with every song on it, but obviously I had to narrow it down for the uninitiated. You understand of course.


*Is it so wrong to blame Stoker for everything?

**Not that writing songs requires an adept wordsmith or anything, as we've seen with songs like "Love Me Do" and "Do Wah Diddy Diddy."

Ear Problems

Last September, on our flight back to Tennessee from Utah, my head nearly exploded. That sounds like hyperbole, and it is, a little. So if you said, "That sounds like hyperbole to me," then good job. I congratulate you on even knowing that word.

Back to the story. My head nearly exploded on the airplane. My ears wouldn't pop and when they finally did, I thought I heard a tearing sound -- the sound of my ear drums ripping away from my ear canal -- and I nearly crumpled into a heap in the aisle from the pain. Ever since then, my eustachian tubes have been worthless. That's hyperbole too, because they've been worth more than nothing. They've done their job a little. All the time my ears are popping and cracking and if I don't consciously make them clear, I feel the pressure building in my head and I get a headache. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because every time I swallow, breathe, or even move an inch, they snap, crackle, and pop. It's like living with a bowl of Rice Crispies in my ears.

A month ago, I went to the doctor, finally. She listened to about two words and immediately "knew" the problem. She prescribed Allegra and Flonase. She prescribed the Flonase because I told her I prefer not to have the pms-like symptoms I get from antihistamines. She said I should try both of them and if I don't like the Allegra, I don't have to take it. It bugged me that she didn't really listen to me. But whatever. She said there were no signs that my ear drums had ever been ripped apart, so I guess that was good.

Unless I heard the pharmacy tech wrong, the generic form of Allegra was $35. So I said screw that and got Alavert instead, which is still mighty expensive. But at least it's OTC. I did both the Flonase and Alavert and the ear pressure problem didn't improve much. I still sometimes feel like ripping my own head apart to figure out what the hell is going on. I say "ripping my own head apart" despite the graphic nature of the phrase, to express how dire my situation is (once again, hyperbole).

If something doesn't change soon, I might start cutting myself or something weird like that. No really, little known fact, Van Gogh cut his ear off because he had the same problem with his eustachian tubes. In a fit of rage he did it, and then he didn't know what to do with the unattached ear so he sent it to his mean cousin.

That's totally made up for all you people who don't get sarcasm, the lowest form of humor (that's not sarcastic), so please don't start using that bit of false information about Van Gogh in your school reports.

To top it all off, now I have an ear infection. I went back to the doctor yesterday and got some antibiotics and explained that the last doctor's prognosis was either wrong or . . . nothing, her prognosis WAS wrong. I don't have allergies like I did before the Flonase (I stopped taking Alavert when I noticed it hadn't helped the popping and pressure headaches), but the eustachian tubes are still acting up.

Now I'm looking forward to spending $45 to see an ENT. Oh yeah. Honestly? If it finally fixes the problem, I will tell the doctor I love him/her and promise them my firstborn, who we all know shall be a genius.

Creation Musuem

Oh, it just kills me. Probably not for the reasons you would guess. No, I'm not going to make fun of the people who made it or the people who will visit it. I don't really care. In fact, I might go, just to see what the fuss is about.

What kills me are all the scientists and "educators" who are signing petitions. This quote is the epitome of huffy remarks (someone is really offended here):

"When they try to confuse (kids) about what is science and what isn't science, scientists have an obligation to speak out," said Lawrence Krauss, an author and physics professor at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. "There's no doubt these are documented lies."  

Think of the children! The children! Oh, who will think of the children!

This scientist is clearly looking out for the poor children and nothing else.

Work Sux

So, I edited this author’s manuscript and sent it back to him. He looked over the changes and chose to either accept my changes or reject them. I just think it’s funny, the changes he rejected. From my perspective I tried to save him from sounding stupid. I imagine that from his perspective a lot of my changes destroyed his coolest tricks. You know, he reached into his big bag of tricks and pulled out the most inappropriate words to describe things and thought that was a cool trick. Like when the kids say wicked to describe something cool. Or when Michael Jackson sings: “I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it.” And Michael means, I’m so cool I grab my crotch in public.

So I get all huffy and don’t want to adjust my changes. I want to keep them because I tried to protect the author’s image and he doesn’t get it. When he says he sits at his computer screen, I say, take out screen, you don’t need it. You don’t sit at your computer screen. You sit at your computer or you sit in front of your computer screen. But I guess I was just getting technical. He’s right. I’m wrong. How did I even get this job? I suck as a copy editor.

He’s thinking to himself, “I’m the one who wrote this book, I know more than you.” He’s thinking, “I wrote this book. What have you done?” And he’s right. What have I done? He’s thinking, “I have a doctorate. What do you have? A bachelor’s? Ha. Ha ha ha ha. That’s nothing.” And in a way, he’s right. What good is a bachelor’s these days? Ha. Ha ha ha.

He’s telling me certain words take an object and I’m saying, "We use Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th edition, what are you using?" He’s saying, "I learned this in the late 60’s, when I was in college." And I’m saying, "Wake up man! It’s 2007. Language changes, man! The only thing that’s the same from the 60’s is weed, man! Let’s have a joint! Yeah!"

Hot Grandpas

So, Baughtronic sent this photo to me a while ago. She was photo-shopping it for her grandma. If I were her grandma, I’d ask to have it blown up to poster size and hung above my bed. I don’t know what that means. The point is, it’s weird to see a photo of your grandpa and think, “Whoa, he was hot. I can’t believe I have hot ancestry.” That’s exactly what Baughtronic thought when she saw it. I know because she said so in the email that accompanied the picture. I mean image. I mean photo*.

I guess the surprise for gorgeous people like me and Baughtronic would be to see old photos of our grandfathers and find that they were ugly, bucktoothed creatures with asymmetrical faces and humps on their backs. You hardly expect beautiful people to have ugly children, but it’s not so strange to find ugly people with the occasional beautiful child. At least, I’ve seen it happen.

I’m sure all this can be measured mathematically. There are times when beautiful people have an ugly child. If you look back far enough, you’ll see that one of the genetic lines was muddied by an ugly parent. If an ugly child has two beautiful parents, you might just check out the extended family. Is one of the beautiful parents the ONLY beautiful member of the family? Then it only stands to reason that the ugly gene popped up in the beautiful couples offspring. That’s how genetics work, after all. And plastic surgery can't alter genetics. Or can it?

Wow. I can’t believe I’m writing this. I had no idea I was such a strong supporter of beauty eugenics. The point is, I have a hot grandpa too. And a hot grandma. Boy, was Sarah a looker. The problem is, the man I call grandpa isn’t my biological grandpa. Who knows what my biological grandfather looked like as a young man. I only saw him once, as an old man, and if that had any bearing on how I look now, I’d be bald and wrinkly.

My adopted grandpa was a looker and a real sweetheart of a man. When I finally get a digital image of him, you’ll see. Hot grandpa.



*This hilarious joke illustrates the tension between a photographer and language. Does it cheapen the art to call a picture a ‘picture’ and not an ‘image?’ Or, when it’s not a beautiful photo of a man in a cable sweater with pigeons perched on his arms, should it even be considered art?

Here's Your Handbasket

Oh great. This is great. This is just what we need in our society to, you know, improve interpersonal relationships. It will be a boon to society. It will really make those long bus and plane rides go by in a flash. We just can't get enough of that good ol' fashioned porn.

Some clips (highlights, really) from the breaking news story:

"Naturally, porn kings are setting their sights on mobile phones. Handsets are more private than PCs, increasingly ubiquitous and, thanks to high-speed 3G networks, now capable of streaming video. Juniper Research estimates that the adult mobile content market will more than double by 2011, to more than $3 billion."

And:

"'It will happen,' says Hirsch, who notes that Vivid producers now take into account the limitations of smaller screens by using wider angles 'so close-ups don't feel claustrophobic.' Eventually, Hirsch expects mobile to be an 'integral part' of Vivid's business."

Yeah, those damn close-ups really suck on such a small screen. Nothing like a tight, claustrophobic shot to ruin the mood.

"Getting smut into the hands of U.S. consumers won't be easy. Carriers so far have shied away from selling hard-core videos, games or pictures directly through their networks. This means that wireless users with browser-enabled phones have to get their porn searching adult sites - a cumbersome process made worse by the poor quality of the mobile Web and the ability of carriers to block sites they don't want subscribers accessing."

Well, maybe we could have a meeting about it and brainstorm some ways to facilitate our subscribers' porn-browsing. Also, is there a way we can make it more available to them while they're on the subway? That will be integral. Perhaps a cellular tower in the subway. Can we get one down there? Browsing porn while riding the subway is primo. There's a lot of downtime on the subway, while our subscribers are commuting -- it's a veritable gold mine.

"That never-say-never vow is significant. Chamberlain, the In-Stat analyst, doesn't think major U.S. carriers are going to jump on the porn bandwagon anytime soon, but he knows someone will - and that that someone will make a ton of money.

"Hirsch, the Los Angeles porn publisher, couldn't agree more and says he's prepared to tough it out. 'This is just the beginning,' he says."

Bwah ha ha ha ha. We'll turn this planet into a living hell if it's the last thing we do!