Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Email Death Threats: A Fantastic New Way to Make Money From Home

So my friend received a most alarming email recently. A threat on his life, from hired man Razak Akin, if you can believe it. My friend will be alright, if he'll just give Razak some money. Razak decided he'd give my friend a chance to not be killed if only he'll deliver some money to Razak. Razak says . . . well, I'll just let him explain it to you. Here's his email, unchanged, in all it's aggressive, death-threaty beauty:


I felt very sorry for you, that your life is going to 
end this way if you fail to comply, no matter how much security you
can acquire, everything will depend on you to choose you own path, i
was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 5 days. Someone
wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money
on this, the person came telling us that he wants you dead and he
Provided us your names, photograph, and other necessary information
we needed about you. If you are in doubt of this, then I will have no
option that to carry out my duty immediately.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried
out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I
ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because
I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to
contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all
means, probably I believe you have done something very terrible to
him/her. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and
even the places you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now
do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you
are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I
might just spear your life, $20,000.00 USD is all you need to spend.
You will first of all pay $15,500.00 USD then I will send the tape of
the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you,
you will pay the remaining $3,500 USD. If you are not ready, then I
will have no choice but to carry on the assignment, after all I have
already being paid before now.

Warning To You  Do not think of contacting the COP or
even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family
since you are aware that Somebody wants you dead, and the person knows
all members of your family as Well as employees of CRIME FIGHTERS.

And For your own good I will advise you not to go out alone once it is
9pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my
discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to
take any legal action.

Good luck as I await your urgent respond. Do response to me on this email…
If also you think you can ignore this mail and feel all is well then let’s see.

You’ve less than 24 hours to reply this mail.


Can you believe that? Pretty awesome. My friend had no idea he was important enough to acquire a hit from a professional hitman service.

The best is that Razak doesn't even know how to add. First he says he wants just $20,000 (is your life not worth a measly $20,000 USD? Surely you can spear that much!), then he only gives instructions regarding the first $15,500 USD, followed by $3,500 USD. Maybe he changed his mind about that last $1,000 USD, in which case, yay! My friend only needs to come up with $19,000 USD to have his life speared.

What will he do with that remaining thousand*? He might as well do something FUN with it. Perhaps a trip to Cancun? Wait, no, Mexico is swarming with drug cartels and murderers at the moment. They've repopulated like lemmings down there, what with the rampant murders, hostages, and human/drug trafficking. First it was like, Mexico is a great place to vacation. Yay! People are sweet. The food is good. The beaches are fun. And then bam! Drug cartels and potential murderers moving across the countryside and through the cities in droves.

Where were they all this time? I'll tell you. They were underground. Mating like lemmings or rabbits. Suddenly, conditions underground became too crowded and bang! They came above ground and began the killing and drug trafficking (which, incidentally, is also what lemmings do. It has to do with natural population control).

In short, my friend would have to have a death wish to use that thousand bucks to go to Mexico. Perhaps he'll get a new Mac? Or an Ipad? Who knows. The possibilities are limitless. Plus he has a new lease on life, after all, this was a close brush with death, was it not?

Razak, if you're out there, somewhere, reading this, well, I know my friend would want me to tell you thank you. Thank you for spearing his life and listening to your conscience. It's good to know that hitmen have a little Jiminy Cricket crying out above the bloodthirsty roar of the demons camping on their shoulders.

Jiminy Cricket! 

*Of course we already drummed up the money to save him. Duh! Wouldn't you? Everyone knows all Americans have hundreds of thousands of dollars at their disposal. It's petty cash! Some of us store it in banks, while the rest of us wiser individuals keep it in our mattresses. 


You might also love this cynical post from my years as a slightly more bitter person:


Anarie said...

Hahaha! I love it. This almost makes me want to revisit my Hotmail junk-mail box. Such creative entertainment!

Kristine said...

Holy shit. I'd have crapped my pants. I frighten easily.

Anonymous said...

You will pay for your American insulince! I have deployed my hired men.

Do not call COP.



Nicole Grotepas said...

Anarie--Yes! As you can see, Razak has paid my blog a visit. Maybe it's TRUE! Luckily my friend is still alive, so we're pretty sure it's just a ruse.

Kristine--Thanks for stopping by! Honestly the fact that Razak has left a comment freaks me out a little. Plus I can't tell where the visit came from. Brrrrrr. Chills!

Razak--I'm Canadian.

Stoker White said...

"Razak--I'm Canadian."

Ha ha ha... When traveling abroad, always deny your American insulince!

Nicole Grotepas said...

I can always rely on you to know the ins and outs of the world. :)

Nathan Marx said...

This one cracks me up! Thanks for the great story!

Nicole Grotepas said...

Anytime! :)