Melinda Doolittle Voted Off

Wha- wha- what? I caught the tail end of the results show last night and missed the entire show on Tuesday. But I know three things:

1) Jordin Sparks is annoying and she would have got to me with her obnoxious simpering, cutsey girl cheekey eyelash-batting faces. And that's why she shouldn't have made it this far. In my book her modus operandi is not so different from Sanjaya's. It's true that Jordin can sing better than Sanjaya, and she attempts to come across as bubbly and happy and I'm-so-cute-look-at-me, hee hee, mmm-wah, mmm-wah (those are kisses), vote for me, vote for me; but I see right through her. And I don't like it when someone is transparent. That's why I like Melinda.

2) Paula would have annoyed me with her stupid remarks, while I would have loved Simon's critiques. The only reason to have Randy and Paula on the show is to provide contrast for Simon. No one cares too much about what Randy and Paula say because they say the same thing over and over again. Especially Paula. Of course, it's always a shock when Paula says something not-so-nice and I do love those moments. I'm not a veteran American Idol viewer so I can't say for sure, but it seems like Paula's mean moments are rare, which is precisely why I value them so much. So, maybe I do appreciate Paula after all. Maybe the real reason she bothers me is because it seems like she just copies Randy. For once, just once, I'd really like Paula to go first. Then we'll know for sure. Except then I'd just expect her to confer with Randy before she was on camera.

Has anyone ever found out the reason behind the judges order?

3) Melinda probably ruled on Tuesday night. I don't get it. Wait no, I get it. It's because Blake and Jordin are somehow more attractive, isn't it? When it comes right down to it, girls are judged mainly by their looks, and men . . . well obviously not because Sanjaya got the boot a while ago. It's the whole package, right? America wants a female singer they can feel like making love to. The male voter wants a woman who can really belt a great vocal line, but also who they can wrap their sexual fantasies around. Is that it, do you think? Because honestly -- and we have to be honest about it, now, because these contestants are chattel, not people with feelings -- Melinda isn't as gorgeous and voluptuous as Jordin. And hell! Jordin's only seventeen. Guys love a younger woman, nay, a woman who's really just a girl (except Stoker, who really digs the older woman thing -- God bless Stoker and men who love older women).

It bothers me, because I don't think justice was done last night. All this time I've been really impressed and surprised by the American Idol voters because it has been clear that Melinda is/was the best contestant, and I couldn't believe people would keep voting for her, despite the fact that she is not the best looking. She's got her own beauty and she's got class, something Jordin hasn't got (class, grace, all those things acquired with age and experience).

Jordin makes me feel like I'm watching a Shredded Wheat commercial, the one where the kid has on adult clothes, except it's reversed because Jordin's trying to be all grown up -- like she really loves Shredded Wheat for healthy reasons, not the frosted side -- but she doesn’t know what it means to be grown up. So she nods her head all the time and acts like she's listening and smiles as if she understands, but somehow I don't feel like she does. There's nothing wrong with Jordin being young, except that her mannerisms bug the hell out me. But I've always been one who's irritated by anything I feel is fake -- like fake happiness. I go back and forth because of course I understand that half the time you just have to fake it, because life can be really shitty. So then I fake it myself. But then I get depressed because I'm faking it.

Anyway, in the long run this whole American Idol thing doesn't matter. It's just a nice distraction for me. Tomorrow I will have forgotten today's outrage. And America will probably end up forgetting Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle, and Blake what's-his-name. See, I've forgotten him already.