I've been doing this workout program. You might have heard of it. Insanity? Yeah? Heard of it? Great! Then you know what I'm talking about.
But, I've been a fool.
What I did was, I started it and then I was at Macey's, the grocery store, not the huge department store*, and there was this enormous display of salt water taffy. There had to be like forty boxes, which is approximately the population of the Earth in salt water taffy.
I'd seen it a week or so before. And it is my weakness. Cinnamon salt water taffy. Black licorice salt water taffy. Peppermint salt water taffy. Watermelon salt water taffy. Grape salt water taffy. Uh, salt salt water taffy. A1 Sauce salt water taffy. You name it. Any flavor. It is my kryptonite.
But I am no Superman**.
Well, actually I was, the first week they had it out. And I was really proud of my strength. I resisted. I said, "Hell no. I don't need no salt water taffy. I am woman, hear me roar." Crap like that. You know. Like a Nike commercial.
The next week I thought to myself in an admittedly conniving voice, "You know, the cinnamon salt water taffy won't last. It'll be gone by the time I'm done with Insanity. So . . . hey! I'll buy a supply of salt water taffy and when I'm done with Insanity, and the diet, of course, I'll have an occasional piece of taffy. As a reward. A reward!"
It would totally help me get through the sixty day program.
So I bought a huge bag of salt water taffy.
And I was pretty good for a few days. But then, one night, I thought, "Hey, dessert. A piece of cinnamon salt water taffy. I've been good. A reward. Yes! Just one piece. As a reward."
Stoker saw me getting some and he was like, "Oh, sweet, salt water taffy!" And he got a few pieces. So when I saw him grabbing a handful, I felt it my duty to take two peppermint pieces, two black licorice pieces, and two cinnamon pieces.
Obviously if I didn't do that, the supply would eventually be whittled down to nothing, because now Stoker knew about, and seriously, the minute Stoker knows about anything in the cabinets like that, the trail mix, or the mixed nuts, or the salt water taffy, it all has a tendency to vanish over a week or two. Sometimes three days, depending on how delicious the treat is.
So it went on like that for a while because I'm a creature of habit and it only takes me a day to get into the habit of something, like eating six pieces of salt water taffy at a time. Occasionally one or two more, because my fingers accidentally grabbed hold of the wax-paper ties and I got more than I intended, but why put it back? Why not just eat it too? I mean, I'm looking at it and now it knows the fate that awaits it, why not just get it over with and spare the poor little piece of peppermint salt water taffy?
You know what? I will! Poor little guy (I thought at the time, as I ate two more pieces).
And now the bag is totally gone. I was a trooper. I actually let Stoker have the last two pieces. Mainly because I'd already had six pieces earlier that day. So it wasn't that I was being all generous or anything, even though he smiled and hugged me and cooed over me being such a damn sweetheart that I'd let him have the LAST TWO PIECES OF SALT WATER TAFFY.
I admit it. I still felt pretty good about it.
So the bag was finally empty last Friday or something. I'd been doing Insanity of two weeks. This week I haven't had ANY salt water taffy. And you know what? I'm finally losing weight!
Thanks to Insanity. And no thanks to stupid salt water taffy season***! My weakness. My ONE weakness.
*Imagine my confusion when Macy's--the department store--bought out ZCMI here in Utah . . . "What does a grocery store want with a department store? They can't possibly see each other as competition!" Honestly. I was baffled for a while. And no, I never did watch the Macy's day Thanksgiving parade. My family did not have that tradition.
**I'm actually a woman. But kryptonite goes with SuperMAN and I didn't want to spoil the metaphor by saying, "I am no superwoman." Because that just makes the kryptonite line fall flat. I can't think of any kryptonite-like weaknesses that apply to women, either. Huh. I guess because we just don't have any major flaws. Historically speaking. Oh wait. The apple. Eve. Damn. Ah well. Too late now!
***Which coincides with parade season here in Utah . . . it's good for throwing to the crowds as they watch the floats go by. They throw candy here, from the parade floats. They do that everywhere, right? I'm asking, because I don't know. I've never gone to a parade anywhere else. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to go to parades!