Thursday, March 31, 2005

Silence is Golden

Stupid things I have said recently for which I’m enormously embarrassed and ashamed of (paraphrasing and altering names and maybe situations. So, mostly fictional accounts of things I might do or say that are stupid in any given situation):

“I like you how you are. What I think I expect to change is that you won't have to be grumpy and prickly when you're pissed about something.” And even as I say it, realizing I’m grumpy and prickly when I’m pissed about something.

“Mike went bowling with his lesbian friends and had to endure two hours of them complaining about other lesbians in their GLBT club. Women.” To my friends Grant and Shannon.

To two large fellows standing in line together at the deli, both wearing self-deprecating shirts. One that says, “Wide Boys, Non-athletic Wear” or something, the other “LARGE MAN” or something hilarious like that. “So, do you guys shop at the same store for t-shirts?” Both stare at me like I’m the ass that I am (an unintentional ass). “I mean, they’re funny and stuff…I was just wondering.” Wishing to sink into the ground, but keeping up a good façade.

Joking and teasing, having a good time with my friend Jack at lunch one day, “Oh stop it, you fag.” Too late, realizing/remembering that he’s gay. Apologizing profusely, promising him I’d never call someone such a derogatory name again. And I haven’t.

Don't you hate the feeling of shame? When it washes hotly through your limbs and into your cheeks after you realize you did or said something completely stupid?

I can be a real jerk, it's true. Luckily it's not on purpose. And about the fag comment, I grew up in 80’s and 90’s, bandying it about with my cousins and sisters before it became a real big issue, before it was politically incorrect. Or something.

Lifetime goals: write more, vocalize less. No, I mean in verbal conversation. Pause before speaking. Observe more.

1 comment:

Stoker said...

I am literally laughing out loud. How many times have I made the same resolutions?? I love you.