Niagara Falls

While being tempted to write about something sobering (realistic/unrealistic expectations in people), I settle on telling you about Niagara Falls lady.

I first noticed her about a month after I began working here. I didn’t actually see her face for several weeks, that’s why I started calling her Niagara Falls lady (she could have been anyone). At risk of being disgusting, I tell you that she drew my attention immediately for her efficient ability to simply and seemingly open a trap door beneath her bladder and unload high volumes of urine all at once. The gushing noises coming from her bathroom stall are unlike anything I’ve ever heard before (even louder and more impressive—in a gross way—than the sound of a man urinating into a toilet). It’s intimidating. For myself, I’ve usually just begun and have barely made a dent in my own full bladder and she’s all done (most often she’s come into the bathroom after me). Maybe this is too much information, but I tell you what, I’ve seriously wondered if she’s not an alien in disguise.

It wasn’t for several months until I pieced it all together: Niagara Falls lady is this scary looking woman who moves quickly, efficiently, always in a hurry. Very businesslike. She actually looks like she might be an alien disguised as a woman. Pale skin and hair. Dark, eerie eyes. Tall. I’ve never spoken to her, and though I know her name, I’ll never tell. She may be the nicest person in the workplace, for all I know. The first time I saw her, I thought it would be fitting if she was, in fact, the Niagara Falls lady. Well she was. And I’ve created this impossible history for her, as well as a new name. Sometimes I dread going to the ladies' room. She might come in. When she does, I always suspect her from the quick, high-heeled step, click-click-click-click-click. A brief pause. Maybe an unzipping sound. And then, let the floodgates unloose their burden!

Disturbing.